This Might Be a Mistake – We’ll See
An email I just sent out to every person in my contact list:
First of all, please know that I’m sending this email as a blind carbon copy to absolutely every email address in my google contacts. I probably should have sorted them out, ’cause of the hundreds and hundreds of email addresses, I’m sure some of you don’t talk to me anymore. If that’s the case, allow me to apologize in advance for my laziness in hitting “select all” for the bcc field.
Here’s why I’m emailing you:
Bowlfest is an annual fund raiser for a group I love called “Fireproof Ministries”… their best known ministry is called XXXChurch.com. I usually don’t participate in fund raisers because I absolutely hate raising sponsors. I agreed to do so this year, however and am down to the wire now (I have a matter of a few days before all sponsor info is due to be turned in). Here is a page with the details of what I’m trying to do and WHY I’m putting down my ego (seriously, this part is very hard for me) and asking for sponsors: http://bit.ly/ckPNeu
I’ve committed to raising $2,500 for Fireproof. I still need to raise another $1,750 – you can see how badly I’ve sucked at reaching my goal – hee hee. I’m asking for sponsors from:
-Pastors of churches where I’ve spoken to see if their church or men’s group will consider being a sponsor.
-Business owners.
-Friends and family.
-Etc.If you fit the bill and are wiling to sponsor me, please let me know. You can do so on the page I linked to, or you can reply to me and have Fireproof send a sponsor sheet. Again, I’m sending this to hundreds of you at once so please don’t feel singled out or obligated. And, again, you can read more info here: http://bit.ly/ckPNeu
Thanks, guys! This is very important to me and I appreciate your consideration.
- Donny -
http://www.DonnyPauling.com
A Letter to My Addicted Brother, Of Whom I Am Very Proud
This is a letter to my brother, Daniel, who is in a Teen Challenge Program overcoming his addictions. He’s had problems with drugs and alcohol since he was a teenager, but only recently decided to take responsibility for himself and seek help. I’ve helped him several times over the years, and finally threw up my hands in frustration and limited all communication with him.
Until recently, that is…
You see, my brother finally took responsibility for his actions and sought out help. He’s enrolled in a Teen Challenge program in Arkansas. And I couldn’t be prouder.
The first letter he sent after being in there was one of discouragement. It was addressed to my mom ’cause he and I haven’t been talking much. She shared it with me. I knew it was coming. It’s normal to be down in the dumps when starting a program such as this. He threw out things like, “I want to be in a program that teaches me what alcohol does to my body” and “this isn’t even a rehab – I thought it was…” and “they force me to read the Bible all the time” and “they don’t have work placement assistance after the program is over” and… blah blah blah. I smiled as I read through his excuses. I knew he was in those initial stages of settling in, and he was looking for any excuse to leave. So I broke my silence and wrote to him. Here’s what I wrote (for the record when his name is mentioned, Caden is my son):
Daniel,
Mom let me read your first letter. I’m not surprised you’re not the happiest camper right now. But I am asking a favor of you: do NOT walk away. Hear me out.
First of all, I want to address one thing you mentioned. You said that you wanted to know what alcohol does to your body. I’ll tell you and save you the trouble of transferring to a place that educates you about it. You ready? This is gonna be heavy:
It screws it up!
That’s really all you need to know. Honestly. Addictions have stolen your life from you and ruined relationships, including ours. What more do you need to know?
Now, let me tell you this: I could NOT POSSIBLY BE MORE PROUD OF YOU THAN I AM RIGHT NOW! The only way you can take that away from me is to quit. You work your butt off in there, okay? Trust God. I know that sounds cliché and sometimes worthless after all the things we’ve felt about Him, but I know this: you’re in the right place.
The fact that teen challenge isn’t a “rehab” is actually perfect for you. You’ll eventually see that. Your eyes are going to be opened and you’re going to see life from a bigger perspective. If you can’t trust God on this, trust me. I can promise you that if you finish this program your life will be infinitely better.
But as I said before, I am asking you as a personal favor to stay in the program. I’m pretty confident our relationship will be restored through this. In fact, I have one more favor to ask of you: study the Bible with me. Here’s what I mean by that… let’s choose a topic. Or if they assign topics to you, write to me about them. Then let’s talk about them. I purchased this Bible Software called Logos 4 Platinum. It’s very expensive software and worth every penny. There are more than 3,500 books included. The Bible is coming alive for me because of it. I’ve actually WANTED to read it and haven’t really read much else for awhile now.
I’m emailing you, but if they reply to me and tell me that they can’t print it out and give it to you I’ll do so myself…. print it out and mail it regularly. I just wanted to get a response to you as soon as possible.
I’m going to mail some envelopes and stamps so you can write to whomever you wish. Let me know when you’re low on supplies like that.
I’ve been reading through the website for the Arkansas program. I know you’re not seeing it right now, but God’s all over it. You’re life will be changed if you let it. I’m asking you to do so.
One thing you’ll find is this, Daniel: most rehabs treat the symptoms of problems. This one treats the cause. The focus on God is important because once you’ve finally encountered Him, the root issue is then being treated. Your heart is where the problem lies. You need to know who you are. You need to know how HE sees you. That information needs to sink into your heart, not just into your ears.
You are my brother. There has never been a time when I’ve not loved you, but there sure has been times I don’t want to talk to you. The reason is because you were not willing to take responsibility and do what it takes to get what you need. NOW you are doing that. STICK WITH IT. STICK WITH IT. STICK WITH IT.
Did I mention that I want you to stick with it?
By the way, I’m also convinced there’s a big huge GOD PLAN involved in your being at the Arkansas facility. That makes it just a bit more difficult to run away. And stop being concerned about being close to family. Right now it’s time to focus on Daniel. Right now it is OKAY to be selfish. In fact, that’s exactly what you need to do: focus JUST on yourself and God. Don’t worry about what you’re going to do for work after you get out. There is not a single doubt in my mind that will turn out just fine.
Since I don’t know what you’re currently studying, I’m gonna take a few minutes to figure out a Bible study that I want to do with you. This is just us… you and me…. Donny and Daniel… studying the Bible. What an awesome thing to do. I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do tonight. In fact, just so you know, this is my weekend with Caden. You KNOW I never take any time away from that, but I am doing so right now. I read your letter to mom while I was cooking dinner for Caden. I couldn’t wait to reply. I know you’re feeling down, but that is expected for awhile. I know you don’t like rules, either. None of us do. But I’m asking you to submit yourself to those rules. Make a choice to trust God that no matter how silly a rule might be, following it is what you need to do right now. I promise, in the future you’ll see a purpose in every single “petty” rule. The way the rules make you feel is up to you. You can feel joy or anger. It’s your decision. Seriously.
Also: I’ve posted on twitter and facebook how proud I am of you. Some of my facebook friends have promised to write to you, too.
Okay… anyway… on to the Bible Study.
Even more shocking than finding out that I like reading the Bible is finding out that I like reading the Old Testament. It’s seriously cool once you learn to study it – to dig into the context of it. To find out what it meant to the people who wrote it or to the people who read those original documents. I’ve been telling Bible stories to Caden in a way that really captures his mind. I just interrupted his video game playing and asked him to tell me which story he likes most so I can share it with Uncle Daniel. He told me that he wants me to tell you the story about the “guy with the 300 men”… he’s talking about Gideon. So here goes…. this could get long.
The story of Gideon focuses on his struggle to overcome fear. The Midianites along with other eastern peoples had oppressed Israel for seven years (Judges 6:1–10). They had basically taken everything away from Israel. God wasn’t protecting them because they had this really dumb habit of turning to idols when they were comfortable. What I mean is this: they served God when they needed Him, but after He’d done so many great things for them they’d always decide to “fit in” with the people around them and serve the stupid gods worshipped by the people they lived around.
Anwyay, God came to Gideon and challenged him to lead Israel like a “mighty warrior” (Judges 6:12) and get rid of the people oppressing them. What you need to know, though, is that Gideon was the least important person in his family. And his family was the least important family of all the families in Israel. Gideon really didn’t have any self confidence. He actually couldn’t believe God would choose him to do anything of importance. One thing you’ll see as you study the Bible is that God often asks the least likely people to do His work. Israel’s first king (Saul) actually was from similar circumstances: an unimportant man in an unimportant family.
Anyway, back to Gideon.
Gideon passed his first test of faith by tearing down the altar of Baal that belonged to his father (people actually wanted to kill him for doing that). That was significant because he was showing God that he wanted to get away from the false gods yet again and worship the one true God. After tearing down the altar to Baal he prepared for battle against the Midianites. By setting out a fleece of wool, he devised a test to learn that God was really with him (Judges 6:36–40). Why did he do that test? Once again, he wasn’t sure God really would use him. He kept having to test God to make sure. His self confidence wouldn’t let him believe it.
At first Gideon gathered 32,000 soldiers, but God tested Gideon’s courage once again. So that HE was the one who received credit for the victory, He initially reduced Gideon’s army to ten thousand. It went kinda like this: “If I let you take 32,000 men with you, when you win you’ll be tempted to think it was because of your big army. I want you to know that you couldn’t have done this without me. I want you to be certain that I’m doing this for you.” But even 10,000 men were too much. God whittled Gideon’s army down to only the three hundred who “lapped the water with their tongue like a dog” when they stopped for a drink (Judges 7:5). These three hundred were selected because they showed that they were more watchful for the enemy. Here’s the part that really kicks butt: those 300 men were going up against THOUSANDS of trained soldiers. But here’s what they did: They split into three groups and surrounded the camps of their enemy. All they had to do was blow trumpets and break the pots that covered their fire lamps. The Midianites were confused and started killing each other because they thought there were huge amounts of Israelites in their camp. Usually for every person blowing a horn and holding a lamp there were a TON of soldiers behind them. So when they saw and heard 300 people doing this, they were convinced there were enemies swarming all over them.
So in spite of a weak leader, small army, and the foolish weapons of trumpets and torches, Israel won the day because of the power of God (Judges 7:22). Now that he was no longer afraid of battle, Gideon went out and humbled the cities of Succoth and Peniel, which had refused to gave aid to his fatigued army (Judges 8:4–17). By executing the Midianite kings, Zebab and Zalmunna, Gideon avenged his brothers (Judges 8:18–21) who had been killed by those kings. He pretty much became a major butt kicker.
Thing is… Gideon wasn’t some perfect man. He ended up marrying all sorts of women, having 70 kids, etc. But that’s kinda the point: God often picks insignificant, imperfect people to do His work. Not only does He do so in order to make it clear that HE is the one in charge, He also does so to make the point that none of us are truly unimportant. There is something for all of us to do.
Read through the passages I mentioned and let me know what your thoughts are. Share with me anything you get out of them. I want to know. This kind of thing gives us a common focus, so study with me, my brother. Please? Instead of seeing the Bible as pointless and boring, I think you’re going to find the same thing I have: it’s pretty deep. We’re not just reading at surface value… let’s find out what lessons we can learn that apply to US. Okay?
Let your mind relax there at Teen Challenge. Trust that you’ll see a bigger plan as time goes on. You’re really treating the root of the problem now, instead of just the symptoms. I’ve been really getting to know God, and that’s what ends up changing everything. Once “getting to know God” becomes real to you, instead of something dumb that you just hear in church, you’ll start noticing that the problems in your life are being treated. THAT is the beauty of Teen Challenge. So, again, just go with it. Finish it. What if it fails? Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, just trust. I’m asking that as a favor to me, which you’ll eventually see was a favor to you.
Your very proud brother,
Donny
For someone going through a program like this, letters are very important. If you’d like to say something encouraging to my brother, or to send him, say, an encouraging postcard, here is the address to send it to:
Daniel Pauling
C/O Teen Challenge
P.O. Box 8177
Hot Springs, AR 71910
Savior Complex
Written about me in a public internet discussion:
Donny sounds like he’s got a savior complex.
My thoughts on the matter:
Dunno what you’d call it, but I can tell you it feels good to get it out and talk about it, telling people about reality and letting them choose what to do with the info.
It’s healing to have people tell you that your words influenced their life. Once in awhile, a marriage is saved. Sometimes a guy will talk about how his fascination with porn was taken away and he spends more time with his wife because of it. Women have cried into my shirt thanking me for taking responsibility and apologizing for producing something that ruined their marriage. Others have spewed a bit of hatred, which is fine too.
All of these things give me a sense that some good can come from the bad things I’ve done, and that is quite therapeutic.
Feel free to call it savior complex, if that’s how you perceive it. :) Doesn’t hurt my feelings.
Most of all, it is very encouraging to know that God really can use all things for good, as he says.
Different People Have Different Views of God
In my morning readings I came across the following commentary, which reflected something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit lately. I started a google buzz about it, but then realized it’d make a good blog article too. So here goes:
God’s revelation of Himself is suited to men’s spiritual capacity. Different souls get different views of God.
I. THIS IS TRUE OF GOD’S DEALINGS.
1. They appear different to different eyes:
Visit two homes, perhaps in the same street, in which there is similar trouble—sickness, or bereavement, or failure in business, or sore poverty. In one, all is gloom, repining, comfortless perplexity. In the other, there is light in the darkness, a rainbow on the storm.
To one sufferer God’s ways are hard, dark, mysterious; he is even ready to think them unjust. The other says, “I could not bear it in my own strength, but the Lord stands by me and strengthens me. God’s will must be right. He cannot make mistakes or be unfaithful. He is my Refuge and Strength.” So with God’s government of the world and general providence. One mind fastens on the pain, sorrow, calamity, which every hour records—pestilence, earthquake, tempest, and so forth. Another sees that the universal design and general working of all natural laws is for good and happiness, not evil; that the main part of human suffering has its root in sin; that “the earth is full of the goodness of the Lord;” and trusts God for the rest.
2. God’s dealings not only appear different; they are and must be different, according to the temper and attitude of our souls. To the soul that bows under God’s hand, trusts his Word, clings closer to him in trial, it is “chastening”—full of mercy, rich in result (Heb. 12:6, etc.). The proud, stubborn heart, that resents and rebels against affliction, is hardened by it, like Pharaoh.
This reminds me of something I’ve said about my brother and my perception of our parents… sometimes he’ll talk about them and it’s like we had different parents, ’cause the one’s he’s talkin’ about don’t resemble the parents I remember.
The commentary goes on… this is so true:
II. IT IS SO WITH GOD’S WORD.
Come to the Scriptures in a cavilling (means “make petty”), critical, hostile spirit, and they will teem with difficulties. Read them carelessly, scornfully; they will be dull and lifeless. Search them, with an earnest desire to know the truth, with prayer for the Holy Spirit’s teaching, with candour and humility; they will “talk with thee” (Prov. 6:22), and unfold their secrets. Thou shalt hear God’s own voice speaking to thy soul; and find what the Thessalonians found (1 Thess. 2:13).
That’s so true in my life… I get so much more out of reading scripture now that I’m not constantly looking to “prove it wrong” or out of a spirit that seeks to justify the bitterness I’ve always held towards it.
III. SO IT WAS WITH OUR LORD JESUS.
Isaiah’s prediction was fulfilled (Isa. 53:2, 3). Scrupulously religious persons, but blinded by self-righteousness, could no more see his glory than sceptics, hypocrites, or scoffing triflers (Matt. 13:14, 15). But his disciples—those who first believed on him, and then lived in close converse with him—could say, “We beheld his glory” (John 1:14).
CONCLUSION: So it is to-day:
This is a universal law—What God is to you—what Christ is to you, shows what you are, and determines what you shall be. The gospel is an open secret, but still a secret, from proud, worldly hearts. The physician is for those who are sick and know it. The Saviour is for sinners who feel themselves sinners. The living water will not flow into a vessel turned upside down. Heaven itself would be no heaven to a heart full of love of the world, of self, of sin, and void of love to God.
Sometimes when I’m in conversations with atheists I realize I’m just spinning my wheels – I remember my own mindset back in my “there is no God” porn-producing days. Nothing anybody said could truly “get through” to me. It was only after a group of people showed the love of God incarnate over the course of four years, and that love broke down my anger and bitterness, that I was able to “see”.
Isn’t it fascinating how deeply personal this walk with God is for each of us? Don’t you think it’s important that we share our journeys with each other, thereby enriching our lives – bringing deeper shades of color to all of us? I do.
For the record – the commentary used is: The Pulpit Commentary: Psalms Vol. I. 2004 (H. D. M. Spence-Jones, Ed.) (121–122). Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.
Dear @JohnCMayer – Re: Producing Porn
Dear Mr. Mayer,
Do you mind if I call you John? I know we’ve never met, it’s just that you seem like the type who’d rather be called “John” than “Mr. Mayer”. We’re not friends, but I really dig your music. In fact, I listened to your latest album, Battle Studies, twice on my flight back to California from the East Coast yesterday. Right now I’m listening to a “John Mayer” mix on iTunes while I write this at my favorite coffee shop.
John Mayer can be found on Twitter: @JohnCMayer
I read part of the interview you did with Playboy. I’m not gonna say anything at all about the racial stuff – besides, you’ve recanted all that, and I respect you for doing so. I’ll keep buying every album you release, as I’ve done in the past. I hope what I write here actually helps you, John – and I think it’s very possible the words that follow can do just that.
I want to discuss the part where you said you’d like to produce pornography. I know a bit about this: I was a porn producer for 9 years. In fact, Playboy was one of my clients. I produced for their ICS department and also traveled the country for a bit as part of the team recruiting for Special Editions. One of the girls I’ve photographed even made Miss February in the main magazine, and another of my first timers was featured as well, but I don’t remember which month anymore. I could go ask, I suppose, as she owns a business less than two miles from where I sit right now. But that really doesn’t matter. You said in that same interview that you probably see 300 vaginas a day while looking at porn before satisfying yourself. That being the case, you’ve undoubtedly run across my work at some point: I released more than 2 million pornographic photographs and hours of video footage into the world during my career. Since porn’s such a strong interest, you may have seen the debate I participated in at Yale University with Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander and Craig Gross when it aired on Nightline ABC (click the link and scroll down to where it says “Nightline Face-Off: America Addicted to Porn?“).
That brings me to what I wanted to share with you: What is it like to produce porn? You might notice from my website title that I’m now a Christian. I have no idea how you feel about that, but just in case you don’t look favorably on such things I’ll try to keep the Jesus stuff out of this. Let’s just have a conversation about what goes on behind the scenes in porn world. With or without “Jesus Stuff”, I think I can share a few things with you that you’ve never before considered… and that’s my goal: to educate. Who knows, you might even read something that will free up your time a bit. Porn just might not seem so attractive if you finish reading this article.
John, don’t get me wrong… I definitely had some fun times producing porn. The money was good, the freedom was great, most of the people I knew in the business were fun to party with, and even being the overweight opposite-of-eye-candy that I am, I slept with more than my share of models. But, honestly, the naked girls part got old very quickly. Sex related work does weird things to people, John. I watched college girls come through my doors with bright eyes, then watched that light fade over the coming weeks. It’s kinda like seeing someone die inside. I dunno about you, but I didn’t find that very sexy.
I definitely want to share more on how porn affects the girls involved as actresses, but first, let’s remove some of the glamour of producing from a different angle. I need to caution some of my readers that I’m about to copy and paste something I wrote on this blog back on March 5th, 2005, when I was still producing porn. I’m not gonna censor the language I used , as I’m tempted to do in order to prevent my current audience from being offended. This is a letter from me to you, John, so I’m just gonna say what I need to say by copying/pasting what I wrote back then:
When mentioning my profession to other males the response is almost always the same:
“Man, you have the perfect job!”
Or something similar. But the truth of the matter is that it’s a lot more work than you might think. And then there are the shitty assholes. By “shitty assholes” I’m being 100% literal.
On more than one occasion I’ve had a model come over for a shoot. I’ll start photographing her only to discover that her asshole is covered with shit . Seriously!
A specific example comes to mind: I noticed a smell in the room when photographing one particular model. I continued the shoot anyway. When I transferred the photos from my compact flash card (I shoot with digital SLRs: Nikon D1x, Fuji S2 Pro, Nikon D100) and looked at them on the computer I noticed that there was shit all over the model’s ass. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I don’t know why the hell a girl would come over to my house to pose naked and forget to clean her ass.
Which brings me to the subject of toilet paper…
Does anyone ever stop to think that moisture is usually necessary for proper cleaning? I mean, think about it… would you clean up oil with a dry towel? Why would you clean your ass with dry toilet paper? If you really want to be clean, invest in some flushable baby wipes! I have some sitting on the back of the toilet in every bathroom in my house.
That doesn’t sound very glamorous, does it John? But that’s not the part that I really want you to know about. The biggest deterrent to producing porn is watching what happens in the lives of those who act in it. I’ve shared my story with more than 4 million people now. One of the things I’m often asked is whether or not I’m attracted to porn anymore. I usually respond to that question with a few of my own. You ready? Here they are, John:
What’s attractive about a model curled up in the fetal position in a corner between takes, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by what she’s just done to herself? Do the porn companies share, in the credits, a line similar to this one: ”this girl had to have surgery to repair the damage done to her body by the scene you just found so enticing”? Of course not! That’s just not sexy, is it John? Nobody’d be spankin’ their monkey if stuff like that was thrown on screen, would they?
Lots of my former models are dreamin’ with broken hearts now, John. And the wakin’ up? That’s the hardest part for sure… because every morning when she does wake up, the stuff she shot for me is still there, as it will be for life. It isn’t ever, ever, ever going away. When she’s old and grey, when she has grandkids running around the house, that content is still going to be out there circulating somewhere, John.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m ALL FOR free speech. But just because we HAVE freedom to do something doesn’t mean that we HAVE TO DO IT or that it’s a GOOD IDEA to do so.
Funny thing, John… I just took off my Beats by Dr Dre headphones, through which I was listening to my John Mayer iTunes playlist, only to hear you playing over the radio here at the coffee shop. We love your music, man.
Here on my website I’ve shared with my readers a few stories about some of the things these girls have gone through. You can find them by scrolling through the porn stories category. But be warned, my friend… they just might remove some of the fantasy of pornography and replace it with a little un-sexy reality. I don’t know about you, but if I was looking at some photos or solo-video of the very attractive girl who wrote this email to me it might be a little bit harder to masturbate to those things knowing that, in her words, she is now “freakin suicidal!!! freakin sick over this….throwing up, cannot sleep at all…” It just doesn’t seem as sexy as it used to be when she tells me that (pasting her words again) “I know I did those pics and yes it was my fault, I want to get them OFF the internet. Is there anyway possible to do that ASAP? I will pay you the money back, whatever it takes. This will and is ruining my life.”
When I received a round of emails and phone calls from a beautiful girl who was begging me, in tears while sobbing so hard I could barely understand her, to get her content off the Internet as it had ruined the relationship she had with her father… that wasn’t a very lust-inducing experience either. See, what happened in her case was this: daddy was leaving his office with his buddies. They were planning to go grab a beer together. But when daddy and his buddies got to his car it was covered with photos of his daughter in various explicit poses. Dad was rather humiliated, John. He was instantly ashamed of his little girl. When he shared this incident with her, she was rather ashamed herself. I shot the photos that ended up on daddy’s car, and when I did so it didn’t cross my mind that she wasn’t someone to visualize while chokin’ the chicken – that she was actually somebody’s baby girl, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s sister… a beautiful person who was born to be loved, not lusted over by millions of men.
In the past three and a half years I’ve attempted to apologize to former models/actresses I recruited into the business. When I tried to befriend one on myspace I received this email as her response:
“Hello Donny,
I’m sorry, but I can’t be your friend. People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it. I need to forget about it and move on. That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you. You’re more than welcome to write me, etc… I just can’t have you on my friends list. I’m very sorry and hope you understand.”
Let me tell you, John… I’d fantasized for months about that girl following the photo shoots I had with her way back in my early porn producing days. She really got me going. But hearing that she, too, almost killed herself over PICTURES? Knowing that, a person would have to be rather emotionless to be able to still look at those photos and be aroused by them.
Are you picking up what I’m laying down, John? Producing porn pretty much killed my sex drive DEAD, John. Between me and you, I’m kind of afraid that when I’m finally married again I’ll be so screwed up in the head over what I’ve witnessed that my sex life with my wife will suffer. I’ve spoken to counselors about that, actually. I’ve seen how fake porn is, my friend, and after shooting it for so long I can’t seem to help associating anything sexual with it. That shouldn’t be the case, John: God created sex to be beautiful and fun, and He had reasons for asking us to confine it to committed relationships – I swear to you, He didn’t ask that of us in order to take our fun away or so He’d have a reason to send us to hell if we didn’t follow His plan. It was more like this: ”I know how you’re wired. Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have other people in your head when you’re making love to your wife? Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to worry about who was in your her head when she’s with you? You can do whatever you want, but I wish you’d trust me. I really do want the best for you.”
The reality of what porn has done to real-life people isn’t pretty. No amount of justification removes what I’ve seen. It doesn’t matter how often people say things like, “they were adults making their own adult decisions” and “well, if our puritanical society didn’t make such a big deal out of sex this sort of thing wouldn’t happen!” Those words are so shallow and meaningless after seeing so many lives personally affected. There is a letter in the Bible where Paul writes to the people of Corinth that sexual things affected us on a deeper level than anything else. John, I believe Paul on that one. I have personal experience that gives evidence he’s right. From my model Karma, who has a baby who will never know his father (because men decided to rape here while she was passed out at a party – after all, she’s a “porn star” so why not take what they want, right?) to the girl who called me in humiliated tears after going to her college campus one day only to find photos of herself stapled on trees all across campus, I have seen the fallout from sexual “sin”. It makes me ashamed to be a man sometimes, John. Indeed, the female body is a wonderland, my friend, and so many of us use our hands… and lose our heads and hearts… over it.
Trust me, John… you don’t want to produce porn. You don’t want to be responsible for devastating lives. And no matter how good your intentions might be, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.
DOWNLOAD THIS MP3: Donny Pauling speaking at Pocono Community Church in Pocono, Pennsylvania – Pastor David Crosby introduces me at the 12 minute mark.
A Mother Asks for Help
I received an email from a mother asking for help for her 14 year old son’s pornography problem. Because this is a common issue I decided to post it here on my blog. Here are a few of the lines she wrote:
I have a 14 yr old son who got involved in pornography online and I’m not sure what to do. We’ve spoken to him and pray for him and banned him from using the internet… I’m disturbed because I don’t want him getting hooked for life… Is there anything I should do or say that will be of help? Are there resources for ‘weaning’ a child off pornography? Please help a desperate mother.
This blog article is my response to her.
Dear Desperate Mother,
I’m definitely not a counselor, so please keep that in mind while reading my words. I’m just a guy who produced porn for awhile, and because people find that interesting I’ve been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to share what God has done in my life. Nevertheless, I’m not unlike any other sinner that has been saved by grace, and therefore my words don’t have any more authority than those of other Christians in your life.
Most people have a circle of friends with whom they discuss life issues. In my life, I rely heavily on my Pastor and even more-so on my son’s mother, to whom I was married before my sin tore our family apart. We remain good friends despite all of that, which is in itself a testament to the amazing woman of God she is… She’s had to deal with so much, and the way she’s done so has birthed some incredible wisdom. Sometimes we discuss emails I receive where the sender shares how pornography has ripped apart his or her life. She always tells me to focus on the root of the problem, rather than treating the symptoms. And she is so right. Realizing this, I’ve spent a lot of time asking God just what the root of the problem actually is, and how best to deal with it. I’ve come to see that the root of the porn problem is the same as the root of all of life’s moral problems.
So… I’ll simply share with you how I deal with my own problems, and hopefully something that is said will help.
I’ve noticed that when a person begins a romantic relationship with another, many things in their life just… change. Especially at the beginning when all is new. When love strikes, a man gets all giddy and sees colors more brilliantly than ever before. Because he wants to present a better package, the woman doesn’t have to ask him to change certain things, he just does so to please her. He tries to avoid things that displease her.
I’ve noticed the same thing to be true with those who fall in love with God.
I was raised in churches where God was a list of rules. He was the definition of what I could do and what I could not do. To make God happy, I had to be holy. To be holy, I had to DO things I found myself incapable of doing. I had to be someone I was not capable of being. There were rules I always failed at following. Since I couldn’t live up to the rules, I began to grow bitter. Watching those preaching the rules fail to follow them themselves birthed more bitterness and even a burning hatred. The Christian life seemed impossible to follow, even for those who were supposed to be “leaders”. Why bother?
At no time did I ever see God as someone I could fall in love with. At no time did I see Him as someone with whom I could have a relationship with.
Those last two sentences? They reveal the root problem with porn and any other issue we deal with. We either don’t really believe we can have a relationship with God, or we choose not to pursue one.
As a man, I’ve had issues “falling in love” with a male figure. I’ve had to realize that when God created mankind in His image, that included all feminine aspects as well. So… I’ve chosen to view the Holy Spirit as a representative of God’s “feminine” side. After all, Jesus described the Holy Spirit as a “comforter”, and blaspheming the Holy Spirit is unforgivable, right? Sounds to me like God sticking up for His woman! (Legalists, please don’t bother emailing me complaints about that – I wrote with a smile on my face and am not seriously making any claims as to gender of any parts of the Godhead). Embracing the fact that feminine aspects are incorporated within God has helped me fall in love. Like any relationship, the more time spent together, the deeper love becomes.
The more I immerse myself in God’s love, the more I realize the REASONS He asks us to do certain things. He doesn’t, for example, ask us to put sex off until marriage because He wants to take away our fun or because He needs an excuse to send us to hell. He does so because He knows how we’re wired. He created us, after all. He knows the bonds we create when we are sexually intimate. He knows the way sex affects us. He says to us, “I just wish you’d trust me. I have something special for you. Wouldn’t it be better if the wife I have for you never has to wonder if others before her were ‘better’ in your eyes? Wouldn’t you rather not have to wonder if men in her past are still in her head? You can do whatever you wish – I’ve given you free will – but I wish you’d choose to trust me. I do know what’s best for you.”
The same concepts are true when it comes to pornography. ”Sin” is the opposite of God’s perfect plan for our lives, and pornography is definitely not something that will benefit your son’s future relationships. He’s 14 years old and he might not yet respond to the picture falling in love with God. But I’m sure he’s encountered thoughts of romance. I’m sure, if I asked him, he’d say that if he had a woman in his life he’d fight for her. That’s just what a man does for his woman, right? So I’d challenge him with this: ”How romantic would it be if, in three years when you meet the woman of your dreams, you can tell her, ‘I’ve been fighting the hardest battle of my life for you, and I didn’t even know you yet.’?” Every man needs a battle to fight, your son is no exception.
And dear mother: tell him who he is… ’cause that’s who he’ll become. Tell him what an amazing man of God he is. Tell him what an amazing husband he is going to make. Tell him that you’re confident he can fight for his future bride by keeping himself mentally pure. Tell him… who he is.
I want my son to know that if I’ve presented to him a God that is merely a list of rules, I’m incredibly wrong. In a book I love the author wrote, “Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.“ That is so true. So if I want my son to fall in love with God I need to show him how to do so. The more time I spend with God, the less my desires are to pursue sinful activities… because when we humans truly love someone we don’t want to hurt them. When we love someone, and spend lots of time with them, we learn to trust.
For me, spending time with God just makes me feel better. The mean person I normally am becomes a nice person. Life is just easier. When lust arises, I remember that the object of my lust is God’s daughter, and I need to respect Him, and her, by not thinking those thoughts about her. He means her to be someone’s wife, and what I’m making of her in my head is not for me to have. I also know that I can trust His plans for me… this includes my sexual future. So I go to Him and reveal all of the thoughts I’ve had. In detail. Because He already knows anyway, and shedding light on the problem takes the power out of it.
At one place I spoke, a young man shared something powerful with me that I’ve placed into practice in my own life. He told me that he has counseling sessions with God. He sits God down in a chair opposite him and tells Him explicit details of thoughts he’s had. Who the girl was, what he wanted to do with her, how he wanted to do it, etc. God already knows anyway, but being so blatant with Him creates an intimacy over time. He is a trusted friend, rather than someone from whom our sins must be hidden (impossible to do anyway, right?). The more that trust builds, the less we want to share a bad “report” when the next counseling session time arrives.
As his mother, you obviously want what’s best for him but your son is going to make his own decisions. So ultimately, there’s not really much you can DO other than to tell him who he is. He’s a man of God. A powerful man of God. An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.
And should he fall to temptation of porn, do you know what to tell him? How about this: He’s a man of God. A powerful man of God. An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.
And should he fall AGAIN to temptation of porn, do you know what to tell him? How about this: He’s a man of God. A powerful man of God. An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.
That’s all I’ve got. Hope it helps.
When I Let It Hit Me, Folks, This Is Gonna Be Incredibly Hard
In response to a comment left on Craig Gross‘ Facebook page by Michelle Truax, one of the key players on the XXXChurch Team, I just wrote:
I have decided not to deal with it right now. I’ve laughed today, read books, talked to Ted Haggard a few times, talked to my Pastor about the book we’re writing together… but I have pushed this out of my mind ’cause I do not know how to deal with it. Anybody who has met Steve cannot help but like, even love, him. I don’t want to accept this yet. I have a feeling it’s gonna hit hard in a few days.
Truth is, the most horrible thing that has happened in my life since I gave it to God happened yesterday, but I learned of it this morning. If you follow me on Twitter you’d never know it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t wanna freakin’ deal with this. One of the speakers on the XXXChurch team ended his own life yesterday, and I don’t know how to handle it. His name is Steve Glisan. You can watch his story by clicking here. I loved Steve, but I never told him so.
I first met Steve at a Porn and Pancakes event in Colorado. Because of the places it took him, his porn addiction resulted in a loss of his wife and three kids. After years apart, he found help and his marriage was restored. That, my friends, is why he spoke for XXXChurch. The story of Steve and Ann Glisan was powerful.
I’m told he recently gave in to temptation and slipped up again… that he decided to handle the guilt by removing himself from this planet. After all the heartache his family went through before, I cannot understand this decision. Surely he had to know this was the worst possible choice? I guess not. Steve, who regularly blogged for XXXChurch under the name Steve G, is gone. I am so angry with him, yet so sad at the same time. I am not good handling this sort of thing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I feel freakin’ useless. There is nothing I can say to ease the pain his family must feel. There is nothing I can say or do to deal with the way I feel, either.
Don't Be Afraid of the Pain
Donny is rambling again…
Walking this trail with tears streaming from my eyes used to be a regular event for me. I sometimes miss those days.
Recently written to a great person who is hurting after a long term relationship ended:
Kristin told me you’re hurting right now. I total understand how that feels. It’s kinda like the color has drained out of everything. You see things, they just aren’t as brilliant and full of life as before. And the pain… oh my God.
So… I wanted to share something with you that really helped me when I was in the same boat. Wendy, my son’s mom, noticed how badly I was hurting and her words changed my pain. She told me not to be afraid of the pain. I realized I really WAS afraid of it. It’s like, “This hurts, make it stop!” She told me to let it hurt… to realize that’s just how God wired us. If it didn’t hurt it would mean we weren’t emotionally invested. He made us emotional people, and pain is one way we heal. It’s not scary, it’s beautiful. It means our relationships had meaning. It means we are human.
Let your tears flow, and welcome them. Embrace them. As odd as this might seem right now, I have to tell you I sometimes miss that place. If you’ve been hurt, wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t let it make you hard, ’cause then you’ve been robbed of a very human, very beautiful thing. Let the colors be faded for now. They’ll brighten, I can tell you, but there is no hurry. And remember how you feel now. Once you realize it’s nothing to be afraid of I think your perspective will change. The pain won’t go away, but it will be more… bearable.
K, that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll put in a request with the man upstairs to give you a hug today.
Wendy’s advice is amazing, so I’m sharing it with all of you.
LOSING KILOH
The reason Kristin, mentioned above, wanted me to share that advice with our mutual hurting friend is because it was just days earlier when that same advice helped her as well. She’d unexpectedly lost her dog, Kiloh, who had been a faithful companion for 14 years. She was devastated. I sent her this:
Wendy once told me something that I hope will help. Some people “get it” right away, but most don’t. Most take a few days for it to sink in. Here it is: “Don’t be afraid of the pain”. Pain to us is so scary for some reason. We may not even realize it. But that pain is part of who we are as humans. It is a BEAUTIFUL part of human healing. That pain means Kiloh’s life meant something. Mourning him is honoring him. Embrace the tears. Welcome them. They’re washing your soul. They mean you’re human. They are not a negative thing. They are a celebration of Kiloh’s life. So let them out freely and often.
When Wendy told me not to be afraid of the pain (of the lifestyle change and breakup with Belinda) it changed things for me. I started letting the tears stream even in public and didn’t care what people thought. I actually miss those days now. They are so… emotional. And sometimes great creativity is even birthed from those emotions.
I’m glad your mom is there for you. Keep wetting her shoulders.
EMOTIONS ARE THE SPICE OF LIFE
CaliforniaBlends.com Spices - Love this stuff!
A friend’s young daughter was hurting. A girl she had been close to was being very mean to her at school. The words hurt, and the tears streamed. Wendy’s advice still applies: don’t be afraid of the pain. Fear is at the root of so many of the negative things in our life, but it shouldn’t have such power. Let it go. MAKE it go. My friend’s daughter needed to let her tears flow. Let out those emotions. Embrace them. She’s human, and as such, words can hurt. There’s nothing wrong with reacting to that.
When we attempt to be “tough” and suppress our emotions, one possible result is a hardened heart. Don’t let the actions of others turn a soft heart hard! A soft heart appreciates so much… takes joy in small things… keeps the color in life. If the emotional pain inflicted by others turns one’s heart hard that joy is stolen. How sad to let other people rob us of joy! How sad it is when the beauty of life is lessened for us because we’ve become so concerned about outward appearances that we are no longer able to wear our hearts on our sleeve!
When I cook I’m a BIG fan of adding lots of spices. I love to sauté fish, for example, in butter and minced garlic, a cajun spice mix, a dash of Deb Deb’s Rub Rub and several drops of one of the mixes made by California Blends. Our God-given emotions are the spice of life, my friends. That includes emotional pain.
Why be afraid of it? Embrace this emotion. It’s beautiful. It’s human. It’s how He wired us.
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