About Donny Pauling
DOWNLOAD THIS AUDIO FILE AND LISTEN TO IT (21.1MB – right click, save as): Man Nite with Donny Pauling at Inland Hills Church in Chino, CA on 08 May 2009. Or listen to it by clicking the triangle:
(or scroll down and watch a video of me speaking at a church in Arkansas)
PLEASE NOTE:
Yes, I was a porn producer for 9 years, contracting with Playboy and a group of other well known companies. Yes, I have become a Christian. And yes, I now speak publicly about what goes on behind the scenes here on this blog as well as at numerous Churches and Universities (including Yale University – WOOT!) across this great country of ours. But the reason I speak about what goes on “behind the scenes” of porn is NOT because I have become a Christian. I do so because someone needs to do so. Porn is often portrayed as great fun, happy go lucky, and victimless. The fantasy shown on screen seems fantastic. The realities of porn, however, are not even close. I am a firm believer in freedom of speech and expression, and it is my personal belief that education, not legislation, is what changes hearts. Therefore it is my goal to educate so that those who hear can make a more informed decision. If you’d like to begin the education process, start with some of the stories I tell in the porn stories category on this blog (click here).
My story would not be complete without mentioning XXXChurch.com. They are a group of non-judgmental Christians who love everybody and believe that there is nothing any of us could ever do to make God love us any less. They are a group who do off-the-wall things… like attending porn conventions to share love: doing makeup for the girls at the show and telling them they’re beautiful and loved. They don’t hold picket signs. They don’t condemn. They just love. When I was still producing porn I gave them hatred for 4 years… and in return received love. If you’re in the industry and looking for help, check them out. If you’re sick of looking at porn but for some reason cannot seem to stop, they can also help. Check them out. They listen to a call that really helped change MY life, and the lives of countless others.
ABOUT DONNY
I’m extremely proud to be a good father to a wonderful son. He lights up my life. Until having a child, I wonder if it’s even possible to fully comprehend what it means to love another person. I thank God (and my son’s mother) for the opportunity to experience such love.
Although I was raised as the son of a Pastor while growing up, I began making my living producing pornography in the summer of 1997. I continued in the adult industry until Monday, September 25th, 2006. On that day I was driving in my car praying to God. If you’d like to know more of that story, keep reading below, as I share the first 3 pages of the book I’m writing, describing what happened during September 2006.
The following video is of me speaking at Mercy’s Cross church outside Little Rock, Arkansas sharing my story. The first 3 or so minutes are an “intro” video that was shown, and since it was a video of a video, the words being spoken don’t exactly match the mouths speaking them. That stops being the case when I am speaking onstage:
If you’d rather download an audio file to listen to on your computer, iPod or the like, here’s another audio file you can listen to in which I’m speaking at Journey Church in Los Angeles, sharing my story (click the triangle to play, or right click/download the audio file):
Watch Craig Gross and I debate Porn Stars Ron Jeremy and Monique Alexander at Yale University on ABC’s Nightline Face Off – click here (then scroll down to where it says “Nightline Face-Off: America Addicted to Porn?”).
Chapter 1: I’m Out
It’s early September of 2006 and I’m sitting in the office of Playboy Vice President Joe Lackey. Joe calls in Mark Navarro, one of his managers. The two of them have an offer to present to me.
“We want to start a new site and we think you and Belinda are perfect to produce the content for it,” Joe tells me.
Mark lays out the details. The models we specialize in recruiting would indeed be perfect for this project. The offer of an additional $4,000 per day on top of what we’re already shooting for Playboy is fantastic. I leave the office in high spirits.
On the drive back to Redding I decide to speak with God. This isn’t something new: I’ve been doing a bit of praying from time to time, especially since the XXXChurch team started getting inside my head starting almost 2 years past, slowly changing my perception of Christianity.
“God, it seems to me that Christians have it all wrong,” I begin, “because it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, you want to bless me.”
The immediate jolt that goes through my body feels like electricity. An audible sound escapes my lips, as if all the air is going out of my lungs. The feeling passes quickly, but my hands are still shaking. I pull my car to the side of the road because there is no way I’m going to be able to drive for the next few minutes. It is no mystery what has just happened: God just reached out and touched me. The thing is, this zap didn’t seem in any way malicious. I’m not being punished. I’m not being warned. The intended message flashes into my mind: “This is so petty. I have much more for you than this. You wanted me to prove myself to be real, right? I just granted your wish.”
I’ve instantly lost all desire to produce porn. I can’t explain why, but in that brief moment, that literally shocking experience, my life has been changed. I don’t understand it, but that’s just the way it is, baby.
Once I’m on the road again, I pick up my cell to call Belinda, my fiancée and “partner in crime”. “I have good news and bad news,” I tell her. “The good news is, Playboy offered us another 4 grand a day to produce a lesbian series for them.” Her squeals of excitement fill my ear. She’s not gonna like the bad news.
“The bad news is, I’m not doing this anymore.
I’m done.
I’m out.”
Belinda’s response indicates she doesn’t believe me. “We’ll talk about this when you get home,” she says. But what she doesn’t realize is that I’m dead serious. I’m never going to pick up a camera to shoot porn again. I have no idea how I’ll pay the bills, but porn production isn’t going to be part of my life anymore.
As I drive home I make a promise to God. “God, if you answer the questions I have about the Bible and Christianity I’ll surrender my life to you,” I bargain.
Two weeks go by and God isn’t answering. He isn’t miraculously telling me why, because of the rebellion of a group of people, unborn babies were ripped out of their mother’s wombs in Hosea 13:16. He isn’t explaining why millions of people have been killed in His name since the beginning of time. He isn’t shedding any light on the reasons for the behavior of those board members from my father’s churches who were so cruel, so mean, so… NOT like Christ.
Instead, he is silent. And I am miserable. I no longer want to produce porn, yet God is not taking up the other end of the bargain I’ve offered to Him. Doesn’t he realize I’m eagerly waiting for a reason to believe? Doesn’t he know that if he can just answer a few simple questions I’ll dedicate the rest of my life to Him?
It is now September 25th, 2006 and I’m once again returning from Sacramento, California, this time on personal business completely unrelated to Playboy. I’m contemplating God and Christianity, as I’ve been doing nearly nonstop for the past 14 days. The floodlights come on and I suddenly realize the truth: God wants me to want HIM. He wants me to choose Him without conditions. He wants me to trust Him.
“God”, I begin. “You know I have a hard time believing the sacrifice on the cross was ever really made. You know I have a hard time believing some of the things I’ve read in the Bible. But I feel like I’m supposed to surrender my life to you and trust you to help me through those issues. By faith and by choice I am accepting Jesus’ sacrifice and am surrendering my life to you. God, it feels so good to say that.”
A weight has been lifted off my heart. It seems to beat easier. I feel at peace, and excited about the future. I pick up the phone and call Craig Gross, co-founding Pastor of XXXChurch.com.
“Craig, I just surrendered my life to God.”
Our conversation goes on for a few minutes as Craig tells me he’ll be sending JR Mahon to my house the very next day to spend some time with me. I assure him I’ll pick JR up at the airport and as I end the call I’m blown away that XXXChurch would spend the money to send one of their Pastors out to California just to see me, especially on such short notice. There they go again, behaving as if they represent the Jesus I’ve read about in the Bible. There they go again, further demonstrating the stereotypes I’ve had about Christians for so many years are totally wrong. There they go again, giving me hope.
There is no doubt God’s presence has filled my car. He’s all over me. I’m covered in goosebumps. For some reason I feel compelled to turn on KLOVE, a station I detest. A song is ending, a song whose name I’ll never be able to recall. But as that song ends I know I’ll never forget the song that starts next.
Almighty God.
The great “I AM”.
Immovable rock.
Omnipotent.
Powerful.
Awesome Lord.
Victorious warrior.
Commanding King of Kings.
Mighty conqueror.
And the only time… the ONLY time I ever saw Him RUN…
Was when He ran to me, took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest, and said “My son’s come home again!”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran.
Oh, my God! You are running to me? You’re welcoming me home? After producing nearly 2 million pornographic photographs and hours of video, you are still running to welcome me home?
The visual in my mind is overwhelming. I begin to weep.
To find out what has happened since that time, start with the “Chapters” section of this blog, where I’ve kept a running journal of my life since that day. Click here.
I found your page recently and really enjoy reading your stuff. You write in a very honest and readable style. I encourage you stay open to whatever doors the Lord may open for you to write even more. You have something to say and a nice way of saying it.
I really appreciate your authenticity/honesty and that you aren’t caught up in a bunch of Christianese. While I’ve followed Him for 35 years and have always had trouble with ‘our’ language. Yuck! Stay real and stay in His arms. You’re on the right track.
Check out my blog sometime… I’m truly a grace-crazed ragamuffin. I’m also happy to call you my brother in Him.
Todd
Hey Donny,
I found your story about your brother amazing. My sister has gone through virtualy the exact same thing. One of my other sisters helped her through it (with the help of my dad).They were best friends in childhood too (but didn’t shoot eachother in the butt though. Haha!)
I’m not so good at the enforcement stuff but, as i’m a Christian also myself, i prayed hard with my church house group. She then admited herself into an intence detox session which cleared her out. She was rock bottom and has now vowed to “never cross that road ever again!” in her own words. She’s just completed a 36km sponsored swim (in stages) for a UK cancer care charity. Amazing! She’s still rebuilding her life but her progess is astounding!
God bless you and Daniel sir.
Maurice O’Riordan
God bless you, brother. I found myself in a similar situation in December 2005. I am a writer/editor and was contributing to several porn magazines and Web sites as well as music magazines (Rolling Stone, High Times, etc). In December ’05 I had a change of heart and since then my whole life has turned 180 degrees. Thank God for His grace. You can read my testimony on my blog if you’re interested. God bless and thanks for being a light unto others.
Jason
http://www.morefire.wordpress.com
Donny.
Thanks for telling the story here. Please continue to. AND continue showing others (like myself) where you’re finding such life, such struggle and tension. Continue pointing us in the direction. None of us can go it alone. We need the voices. We all have a story to tell. Best, df
I just wanted to tell you how inspiring you are. Thank you for being so open and transparent with your story.
Congrats on the one year anniversary of being out of porn!
dude: it’s great to know you. I’m so glad that you don’t feel compelled to be churchy, or fit into a religious mold. People need you to be real, not churchy. Remember: God’s love for you is not your decision. It’s God’s final choice. And you don’t have anything to say about it!!
“Love never fails.”
best wishes always~
Hey man.
This is Josh, from the Londen institute.
We would like to invite you to speak at one of our sevices.
Who do I contact to arrange that?
Thanks man!
Nice place here! I think I’ll do some looking around. I’ve come via Recreation’s site.
Dude, your story is fan-freaking-tastic. Keep up the awesome work and may God continue to show you amazing new things every day.
Thank you, dear man, for sharing your story. You have ministered to me this morning, very helpful indeed.
Bless you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uli
I’m sure that you’ve probably figured this out by now, but just in case, that song is from a band called Shaded Red and I think it’s called “When God Ran” they’re great and if you don’t mind i’m going to send them this so they know that God used them to touch you.
Almighty God.
The great “I AM”.
Immovable rock.
Omnipotent.
Powerful.
Awesome Lord.
Victorious warrior.
Commanding King of Kings.
Mighty conqueror.
And the only time… the ONLY time I ever saw Him RUN…
Was when He ran to me, took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest, and said “My son’s come home again!”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran
Totally praising God for His work in your life!
I’ve never heard the song, but I know the feeling. I was a junkie when God ran after me. In the hearts of everyone I knew–and even myself–I wasn’t worth running after anymore. I was only worth running after to the One I didn’t know… God.
Congratulations brother on being found…and finding you in Him. You didn’t earn it, but none of us do.
Keep being loud and courageous in Him… you’re helping change lives.
Donny:
It is amazing that in this universe, God not only know us, but he has a desire to be intimate with us.
What’s more, is that God has a specific plan for all of us. Look at you…He knew from the very beginning what you’d go through. He knew how you’d become fooled by Satan, led into a world of sin and sickness. But He never gave up on you.
I work in a nonprofit business that helps children who have been abused and neglected. Most are from families that have been deceived by Satan. They are serving self and drugs/alcohol. But they have hope, too.
Thanks again for sharing your powerful story of salvation.
Dan Prater
Springfield, MO
Donny,
Our Redeemer lives! He Is the Same yesterday, today and forever! I lift up the Name of The Almighty!
Thank you for your story which is inspiring and motivating, for there is nothing that impossible to JEHOVAH EL SHADDAI. He takes the broken pieces of a life and mend them together to make a vessel of honor for the glory of His Name!
I need your permission to share your story with my family, friends and congregation.
May God bless you and use you in a mighty way.
Lumu Kabongo
South Africa
What an amazing testimony. I loved reading your testimony about the conditions you gave God in order to surrender your life! Because we’ve all done it. And you’re right.. God wants us to want Him without conditions. That was so insightful. Thank you for letting God use you as a vessel for change. From a woman’s perspective…..thank you.
Awesome.
I was exposed to porn at the age of 7 and became an addict instantly. 30 years of struggle later, a failed marriage, failing out of college, I am still struggling to deal with this issue in my life. Though I accpeted Christ 15 years ago, only recently did I decide to get baptized and join a local church. Stories like this give me great hope. Thank you so much for posting this…
Would like to talk more about your thoughts on Bethel.
Donny, what an incredible story you have. I praise God for His power — literally shocking power!– in your life.
Thanks for mentioning and directing people to my Website about why I left, and continue to stay away from — the Mormonism I once loved. I never thought about it before, but the lure of any past that was away from God will always be a battleground for our minds, right?
Yours and His,
Latayne C Scott
http://www.latayne.com
Donny, What an incredible testimony of your encounter with God. It’s also awesome that He used “When God Ran” (about the father in the Prodigal Son), to connect with you. It was written by Benny Hester in 1985, and both Phillips Craig and Dean, a trio of pastors, and Shaded Red (mentioned above), recorded versions released in 1999. It was a major hit for PCD, who made a (video) for it. As you can see by the other comments, you’re a strong example to follow, so thanks for leading by example!
Thank you so much for being transparent about your life. After loosing my husband of 25 years, and now finding reason to be concerned about my young adult sons, I am starting to look into this information because it is so pervasive from one generation to another. I remember my sons finding my husbands pron in his car…I was so angry, now I am just so sad, because I have not really understood.
However, I have had my own temptations and struggles in life though not understanding why I just find all I want to do is stamp a giant:NECESSARY!!!
across them because that is what brought me to HIM!
God Bless You Donny…Christine
Hello Donny Pauling,
My name is Leigh Kennedy,
I am 17 turning 18 on May 26.
I am a Christian Singer/Songwriter.
My home church is Planetshakers City Church in Melbourne, Australia.
Apart from receiving great help, advice and prayer from Planetshakers, your testimony really compelled me to stop looking at porn and stop masturbating!
You are an amazing Man of God!
I love the song ‘When God Ran’ by Phillips, Craig and Dean too.
That song along with many Planetshakers songs helped.
God Bless,
Leigh Kennedy
Finding jesus is the dumbest thing anyone can do. When you really get smart and wise up, you learn to disregard the fairy tales just like you did when you stopped believing in the tooth fairy and santa claus. Going ‘born again’ is like you’re going out of your way to dumb your entire existence down.
kinda like the spiritual equivalent of forcing yourself to sit through an adam sandler film
Faith is a dangerous delusion.
It is faith that allows for suicide bombers. It is faith that allows people to justify murdering homosexuals and blowing up clinics. It is faith that is exploited by criminal preachers to get the poor and aged to turn over their meager earnings so they can drive fancy SUVs.
You can live in the land of the sane and reasonable without resorting to debauchery.
There’s no need to believe in fairy tales. Shit, you’re a grown up after all.
Read the Bible. Really read it. There is a lot of weird crap in there that you cannot answer for. Unless you want to kill homosexuals and unwed heterosexual couples who live together, or endorse slavery and incest.
Christianity is a death cult. You pray for the end of the world so your crucified undead savior can kill 2/3′s of earth’s population in 7 days. That is not sane; you are dangerous
People like you are why our nation is falling behind in the world.
No,
That would be the kind of Faith that an extremist would have.
The faith of the true living God is not one that encourages murder,
The word even says ‘Thou shall not murder’, so don’t get the wrong idea, get your facts straight first.
It is deception that will lead to blowing buildings up and killing,
and no, it is not of God for anyone to kill a homosexual, the Word says ‘Love your neighbour as you love yourself’, it does NOT say ‘Love your neighbour as you love yourself but hate homosexuals’
I am a 27 year old porn actress, and I couldn’t disagree with you more.
The industry is changing, even in the past few years, and so is society. So many young people now (high school – 25 years old or so) have been exposed to porn all their lives, that the stigma just isn’t there any more. I can tell people I do porn and nobody cares. My parents know and support me. The culture war on porn is already lost, I’m afraid. Your story is already as outdated as it is exaggerated through omission of the (much more common) normal people in the industry.
You exploited young women once by recruiting them for your porn, and now you’re condescending us and telling us how horrible our lives are. Is that progress?
Good luck with your book, I hope you make millions.
J. Johanneson,
Just a few years ago, my name could have signed your comment. I used those same arguments. Reality has a way of catching up, however, and the broken lives (my own included) are undeniable.
When you’re in the business, it’s just part of human nature to justify what’s going on. I’m not condescending in the least. And I’ve written about the “normal” people in the industry. Check it out here:
http://xxxchurch.com/blogs/theindustry/thepeopleofporn.html
Should the time come when the emptiness inside catches up to you, and you want somebody to talk to, feel free to ask. Help is available should you ever want it.
In the meantime, feel free to join in any discussion you wish. I only ask that you show the same respect you showed with the comment you just posted, and refrain from linking to porn sites (thanks for not doing so, by the way).
- Donny -
Donny,
It’s great to see you are still going strong with God!
God has a lot for you!
You’re a legend!
God bless,
Leigh Kennedy
Hi,
I am an old friend of John and Kristi. Do you know where they are?
Just a few years ago, I could have authored this website. I used your same arguments. Reality has a way of catching up, however, and the lives broken by Christianity (my own included) are undeniable.
When you’re in the faith, it’s just part of human nature to justify what’s going on. I’m not condescending in the least.
Should the time come when the emptiness inside catches up to you, and you want somebody to talk to, feel free to ask. Help is available should you ever want it. Just write me at the e-mail address I left with this comment.
@J.J.E.
Sorry to hear that you were broken by “Christianity” … there’s a lot of crap out there passing off in that name … But sometimes people mistake practicing a “religion” with the true thing which is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ himself … it would seem to me that Donny has the latter and you experienced the former … and my prayer is that you will find Jesus, the same Jesus Donny has …
The link Donny provided (for J. Johanneson) doesn’t appear to be working :
As of Monday March 15, 2010 – below link doesn’t work (for me anyway) :
http://xxxchurch.com/blogs/theindustry/thepeopleofporn.html
I think this (now-bad) link is also provided after the “Constance: Porn and Human Trafficking” story.
(Hoping the article is still on-line and links can be adjusted – because I’d like to read it)
-Dennis